I'm a suburban dad and father, and I freaking love it.
It's also important to note that my son isn't even 11-months-old yet, so I'm share I'll be changing my tune after a few years of dealing with his crap.
Like this mother, Meghan Maza Oeser, who went away on a girls weekend, leaving her husband and six children at home.
Instead we get a hilariously and brutally honest essay with some strong words of advice to her husband. (Warning: NSFW language)
(Warning: foul language)
I'm writing this to you out of love, not fear. I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone...with the others.
Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time, and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure HELL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison.
First things first...
Upon arriving home after work, things won't seem so bad. The others will hug, jump, and for the most part, be pretty excited to see you. This will be short lived...I promise. School season or not...this is also known as hell hour. The others will fight about anything and everything, with Quinn and Penny being the biggest instigators. It's most likely that Quinn will be pissed off about Penny wearing her Elsa dress, and Penny equally pissed off because Quinn will ONLY refer to her as Anna. Penny will also be fighting sleep, which I'll get to later.
She goes all in, preparing him for the horror that is meal-time, playtime, bedtime, and just, mom life.
You'll want to sit down and relax after dinner/breakfast, but I'm warning you against this. It will get quiet...REAL quiet. This is when you'll realize that the threenager has fallen asleep somewhere. Do NOT let the threenager fall asleep. You're basically fucked if this happens. She will be wide awake until at least 1:30am if you're not careful. Given your 9:30 bedtime and 5am wake up, this is less than ideal.
Lily's still there. You'll then wonder where in God's hell her parents are. You're guess is as good as mine. I've yet to meet them.
Good. Fucking. Luck, buddy.
But seriously, putting these kids to bed sounds like an elaborate heist scheme from an Ocean's movie.
Go ahead and leave Penny on the couch with you. God knows you let her ass fall asleep somewhere prior. Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait. As they lie in their beds, they'll then realize that their tiny mouths are on God damned fire, and they'll act as if they've just walked 800 fucking miles through the Sahara. They will come down...one by one...every god damned 5 minutes...for water. Don't let ANYONE use Quinn's pink Elsa cup. If she sees this, she will lose her holy shit.
You'll end up bringing Penny to bed with you, thinking that's a good idea. Ha ha ha ha ha! You may as well sleep next to Evander Holyfield on uppers.
Just try getting her into her bed. Give her the iPad. This will save your life...promise. Make sure you turn the volume down, along with the screen brightness. Speaking of brightness, don't forget the diffuser. Fill that shit up, and add 2 drops of Peace and calming, one lavender, and one stress away. If she was a real dick that day, add some frankincense. Set the light to PURPLE. Sweet baby Jesus, please remember purple. If you set it to blue, she will act as if her retinas are on the god damned sun. Don't forget her sippy cup. Seriously...DON'T. She'll drink some, and then ask you to take it. She'll want you to place it on her dresser. She'll call you in 5 minutes later for the rest. She'll call you in AGAIN to put that shit back on the dresser. She'll then, sure as God made little green ass apples, wake up at 3am screaming that someone has stolen said sippy cup. Just fill that shit back up, and pray to Peter and Mary that she falls back asleep. Oh, and don't forget her fan. That girl sweats like a whore in church that just ate 12 beef sandwiches.
And serving the little monsters breakfast seems just as horrifying.
It's almost lunchtime. Just start drinking now.
Lather, rinse, and repeat. I'll see you Sunday.
She also got real about basically canceling any alone time as a parent because kids are, well, demanding as all hell.