She was 6 years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live.
I drive to this beach, a distance of 3 or 4 miles, whenever the world begins to close in on me. She was building a sandcastle or something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.
"Hello," she said.
I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.
"I'm building," she said.
"I see that. What is it?" I asked, not really caring.
"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."
That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes. A sandpiper glided by.
"That's a joy," the child said.
"It's a what?"
"It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."
The bird went gliding down the beach. Goodbye joy, hello sadness, I muttered to myself, and turned to walk on. I was depressed. My life seemed completely out of balance.
"What's your name?" She wouldn't give up.
"Ann," I answered. "I'm Ann Mathison."
"Mine's Lilly. I'm 6."
She giggled. "You're funny," she said.
In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on. Her musical giggle followed me.
"Come again, Mrs. M," she called. "We'll have another happy day."
The days and weeks that followed belonged to others: Boy Scouts, PTA meetings, and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out of the dishwater. I need a break, I said to myself, gathering up my coat.
The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed. I had forgotten the child and was startled when she appeared.
"Hello, Mrs. M," she said. "Do you want to play?"
"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
"I don't know, you say."
"How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.
The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."
"Then let's just walk."
Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face. "Where do you live?" I asked.
"Over there." She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
Strange, I thought, in winter. "Where do you go to school?"
"I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation."
She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was on other things. When I left for home, Lilly said it had been a happy day. Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no mood to even greet Lilly. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt like demanding she keep her child at home.
"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Lilly caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today."
She seemed unusually pale and out of breath. "Why?" she asked.
I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought, my God, why was I saying this to a little child?
"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."
"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and — oh, go away!"
"Did it hurt?" she inquired.
"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.
"When she died?"
"Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in myself. I strode off, feeling tears coming.
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there. Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn-looking young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
"Hello," I said, "I'm Ann Mathison. I missed your little girl today and wondered where she was."
"Oh yes, Mrs. Mathison! Please come in. Lilly spoke of you so much. I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance, please, accept my apologies."
"Not at all — she's a delightful child." I said, suddenly realizing that I meant what I had just said.
"I'm sorry. Lilly passed away last week, Mrs. Mathison. She had leukemia. Maybe she didn't tell you."
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.
"She loved this beach, so when she asked to come live here, we couldn't say no. She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called 'happy days.' But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly ..." her voice faltered.
"She left something for you ... if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely young woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with "MRS. M" printed in bold childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues — a yellow beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath were two carefully printed sentences, in capital letters.
"I AM GOING TO BE A SANDPIPER NOW
MAYBE YOU CAN BE TOO"
Tears welled up in my eyes and a heart that had almost forgotten how to love opened wide.
I took Lilly's mother in my arms. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," I muttered over and over, and we wept together.
The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Those two sentences — of a strikingly profound wisdom — speak to me of harmony, courage, and nondemanding love. A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand — who taught me how to be a bringer of joy.